The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Itself

Everybody has a phobia.  I hate to burst the bubble of those who “fear nothing,” but you DO have a phobia.  It may be a subconscious fear, and it may not have surfaced while you were awake, but it’s there, deep down.  Some of these phobias are quite ridiculous in all aspects; the actual fear itself and the name.  Whoever started naming phobias needs a new hobby because it’s getting out of hand.  For example, Pittakionophobia – the fear of stickers and adhesive labels.  I actually know someone with this phobia, and when he told me, I laughed like the insensitive asshole that I am. I have to say that I have some irrational phobias, they’re common, but still irrational and they’re here for you to laugh at like an insensitive asshole, like me.

Aichmophobia:  Fear of needles or pointed objects
 (one of many names)

Many people fear needles.  I fear needles because of being subjected to normal vaccinations as a child and that little poke of death.  As an adult, the pain is nothing now, but when I was a child, it was the end of the world.  These days my mind plays tricks on me.  When I get vaccinations, before the nurse even sticks me with the syringe, I can already feel it grinding into the bone in my arm.  That doesn’t actually happen, but that’s what my mind is picturing.  Every time.  When I give blood at the lab, I have to lay down, otherwise I will pass out.  As soon as the needle goes in my arm, I freak out because I feel like they’re sucking all the blood from my body, like they’re going to dry my body right up and leave me to die.  Piercings suck, but I subjected myself to getting a second hole pierced in my ears, which almost made me pass out… pathetic.  I can’t watch other people get poked with needles either because it makes me nauseous.  Tattoos are different for some reason.  I have tattoos and I could sit all day and be tattooed without caring.  I think it’s the way the needle feels.  It just feels like scratching because the needle moves so fast.  But anything else involving needles is a no-no.

I’m afraid this is what I’m going to find in my shoes.

Arachnephobia:  Fear of spiders

Spiders are freaking scary.  I HATE spiders.  I’m not really sure what caused this phobia, but I’ve been terrified of spiders since before I could talk.  The legs are creepy because of the way they move.  Spiders have too many eyes for their own good.  Pinchers that insert poison into the body of the victim to kill or paralyze… definitely not good.  I can’t even bring myself to kill some spiders.  I get scared that if I get too close the spider will jump on me and start eating my body.  I’m also grossed out by the splatting noise that some spiders make when squished.  Big spiders are horrifying.  Recently, my friend and I were hanging out in her townhome and she saw a big, nasty, brown spider slightly larger than a quarter on the floor.  We both freaked and went to get shoes on.  I was wearing rain boots and I was too scared to stomp on it out of fear that it could somehow jump three feet in the air and land on me.  It took us ten minutes to kill it, and when I say us, I mean her.  I just stood across the room and threw things at it.

Cute as this is, I don’t want this fat head coming from my Va-jay.

Tocophobia:  Fear of childbirth

I love kids (kids that are well-behaved).  I would love to have kids at some point in my life.  I’m scared of actually going through childbirth, however.  The more I think about it, the more physically ill I become.  If you have never heard the term “vanus,” you’re about to find out what it is.  When a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes she tears has to be stitched back up… down there.  “Vanus” is a term made up by men. Some men who have never been fathers and who have never seen their significant others go through labor become scared and grossed out about women being stitched back together after childbirth, they seem to think that the woman tears all the way to her anus, thus making the vagina and the anus one, creating the term “vanus.”  It’s disgusting and terrifying.  I know that it doesn’t actually happen that way, but it makes the mind wander, and if you have read to this point then you will know that I have an active imagination.  My first time going through labor is going to be hell for myself and everyone around me.  It will pretty much be the end of the world.

Eh, keep it in a cage.

Ophidiophobia:  Fear of snakes

This fear is not very prevalent.  I think I’m only scared of snakes because my mom is scared of snakes, and as a child it affected me.  My mom is so afraid of them that she used to have a broken broom handle with a steak knife duct taped to it, and she used to run after snakes and kill them in our yard.  We lived in an old 19th century house with a stone basement, and the surrounding area was infested with Garter snakes and Milk snakes that used to get into that basement.  Needless to say, in the summer, my mom was a snake-killing machine.  I used to run around barefoot everywhere and, one day, apparently Mom was slacking.  I stepped on the tail of a harmless Garter snake in the yard and I went nuts, screaming and crying and carrying on, while running away as fast as I could, not daring to stop until I was safely in the house because I was so sure that it was chasing me.   Now, I can deal with them.  I think snakes are somewhat cool as long as they’re behind glass in a zoo and not anywhere near me.  Mom doesn’t.

It’s not coming out, I won’t let it.

Emetophobia:  Fear of vomiting

I have never actually met someone who enjoys the feeling of bile forcing itself up his or her throat.  It’s not pleasant.  The root behind this fear for me is the fact that, for a while, I had not thrown up since I was really young and I didn’t want it to happen again.  However, due to a few hangovers and being sick a few times, it was inevitable.  Now it scares me because I don’t want to have to worry about making it to the bathroom in time, especially in public.  It would be so humiliating.  When I was really young, I threw up in a CVS in the middle of an aisle.  I was five years old and it was humiliating, I can’t imagine what it would be like now.  The smell also grosses me out.  The smell of vomit for me is like a reactor for my gag reflex.  I could never work in a health care facility.  Human bodily functions are repulsive.

I was trapped, and looked less happy than this.

Claustrophobia:  Fear of small spaces

I am extremely claustrophobic, and it is the worst and most rampant of my phobias.  My claustrophobia has two parts that go hand-in-hand:  fear of being trapped in a small space that I cannot move in, and fear of suffocating.  Suffocation scares the living daylights out of me because I hate not being able to breathe, even for a second.  If I get hot at night, and wind up trapping myself in the blankets, I start to panic and I stop breathing, which causes more panic and less breathing.  I’ve been sick for a little over a week, and my congestion was really bad at one point.  When I woke up one morning I couldn’t breathe through my nose, so instead of breathing through my mouth like a smart person, I got scared and panicked.  I started flailing around like an idiot, trapping myself in the blankets… as usual.  I was on the verge of tears when I realized that I could breathe through my mouth.  Duh.

Phobias are stupid.

To Be Or Not To Be

I have recently recovered from a mid-life crisis.  Like many people my age, I have pretty much no idea what I want to do with my life as far as careers go; therefore, I decided to major in Business Management thinking that even if I never figure out what I want, I can fall back on some lame desk job.  However, my Business Law class somehow brought me an epiphany.  I would like to work in law enforcement.  I’m talking about your standard, beat-the-street, give-you-a-ticket-for-speeding cop.  It hit me like a rock to the face.

It’s funny because being a cop was never something that even occurred to me before.  Law Enforcement shows are all over TV and I’ve never been interested.  Now, the more I think about it, the more appealing it is, and the more excited I become.  This is a problem because I’m two and a half years deep in Business Management classes and I really don’t want to go to school anymore.  I could have done this in two years if I would have figured it out before.  Maybe it’s better this way because I’ll minor in Criminal Justice and keep on with Business Management.  That would be the smart thing to do.

Another thing that’s funny is when I mentioned it to my friends they were all excited about it.  One of them started sending me all this information about the criminal justice program we have at the college (I found it extremely helpful), and she told me that she could most definitely see me performing well in this career path and loving it.  To me that was a sign because no one ever said this at all about my choice in business except my mom, which I suspect would be because of the stability it brings.

After I got home tonight I was a little melodramatic and started watching the Lethal Weapon series, not that it’s even remotely close to what a real police officer’s experience is, but because it makes me more excited.  What’s more is that I want to be a K-9 Unit Officer. I’ll get to hang out with my pet and eat a lot of doughnuts, what’s not to love?